Outfit Big and Baggy...Polyester and UG-LY!!! Usually doesn't match anything below.
Hat because your hairdresser can't do your hair right anymore (but it's because you only have 3 hairs left on your head and none of them meet?)
Skarf because you are "Always Cold!" around the neck...and feet! (see slippers below)
Jewelry---Big! Bright! Ugly! Never matches...
Makeup (Give her Watercolor Paint Kit) Preparation H works wonders on wrinkles...tightens the skin! Cannot be used to rub on husband to make THAT A-hole disappear!!!
Slippers that you wear everywhere because you say your feet are swelled up...but it's really because you can't bend over far enough to be able to see to tie your shoes. Also to keep them warm!!!
Incredibly HUGE and heavy Purse with useless Crap in it to rummage through looking for something that isn't there...usually while someone is behind you in line at grocery store!
And don't forget to wear your Depends to the Beauty Salon so that you can sit all the way through your appointment WITHOUT a little "accident"!